dear diary 

daddy had to leave as daddies sometimes do. he left so the dreams of our family could come true. but mommy will soilder on. because that is what mommies do. 

-dirty girl 

the boyfriend had meningitis. i think he might have it again. he played a prank on me by drinking blueberry juice. it looked like his lips were purple. it took him a little while before confessing to this prank. then poor him. his own prank baclashed on him because then i started to think the whole being sick thing was a joke. he got caught in his own tangle of lies. so im like, are you sick or are you not??? im confused. i fail to see the humor. meningitis has no sore muscles symptoms, so most likely, he doesnt have meningitis. he also shaved a bit. he's amish looking. of course its cute. he's always the handsomest fella i ever laid eyes on. so im pretending we're amish. only for a few minutes though. im much too busy to let my imagination take me very far. my mind and my hands drift on to doing other things. wheres the magic in my life anymore? but it doesnt matter. its a different kind of magic. but how do i put words on it?

today we took sticks out for a walk. sticks overcame his fear of water! it was a joyful day for us. we threw his toy into the water. he jumped in after it and caught it then brought it back to us. super cute. my boyfriend says that through winter- we will have to take him for walks. he says its strange how our summer has been so miserable- but come fall and everything changes. like life. never staying the same. never the same. but day after day, everything is exactly the same. but we are different people. i wish i could meet myself next week. i might save someones life. like perhaps who knows, boyfriend with meningitis. i hope he doesnt die. let us pray. 

should i be honest in this? have i ever been honest? to view things in front of me, i must close my left eye. sometimes i cover it palm on my skin, pressing until the nerves in my eye quiver. hows that for truth? something not many would see me do. not many people would know. probably something i'll do until the day i die, nobody ever knowing.

or that i like to sit in the dark. or in silence. or in both. for hours. for days. every day. every single fucking day. its already been half of my life? but really, i like it bright. i turn on the lights and leave them on. the brighter the better. i even leave the rooms i dont use lighted. im scared of shadows. of something jumping out on me from behind the doors. like, lets say, rapists. or a stray cat. or a reincarnated albert fish. and i really dont care if this runs my electricity bill high. ill pay it. i never have money either way. har har. so who cares. its better to be humble and have a servant than be rich with no food.

hows that for honesty? i could go on. i know you've got truth in you somewhere. we all do. but what seperates between you and i- i dont judge. im not conceited. i dont huff over our differences. i see it with such clarity the way i see a bright room. you are blanketed in our differences. you wear me like a dress.

hows that for human?